Love is a drug

So today I found out that the guy I've been in love with for like a year has a new gf and its working out peachy keen for them, I also found out that my first serious boyfriend asked his gf to marry him (This is not a bad thing, I'm actually stoked for them) and this has resulted in me wallowing in my self pity. Wallowing in my self pity results in me playing my favorite depressing songs on youtube and sulking on facebook. It doesn't help that my mother is having loud sex with her toy boy at the same time *turns up speakers* I feel so sick. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to feel anything anymore then I wouldn't have times like this anymore. Wishful thinking, wishing I was numb for the rest of my life. Or maybe just this evening. I really am hurting inside (my throat is really sore) and I feel like such a knob jockey getting all emotional about nothing. My ovaries really hurt also. Maybe I'll get a hysterectomy and a boob job, no periods my amazing breasts?

In this pathetic darkness I do have news, I am going on a date on Tuesday afternoon with a gorgeous 30-something who knows a couple of my friends and likes the same post punk music that I do. I don't know if I'm out of his league or not though cos he seems incredibly hot and intelligent and I think I'm only 50% of those things, hopefully my eyes and cheeky conversation will make up for it.
I'm not sure what the rush is, a broken heart? An empty heart? Boredom? The fact that I'm the only single person out of everyone? JWOWW says the best way to get over one guy is to get under another, but what if this is what you have been doing for the last 9 months or so and then the guy you originally needed to get over still wants to be on you so then that's prolonged the getting over/under period. This is my main problem with the grunty sex is that I cannot help the casual sex, the 'hi I just met you and this is crazy but here's my number and lets have sex' and then never hear from them again. The guilt kills me for days afterwards and I pray that they never call cos I'm still in love with someone else. Its a shame cos how many of these guys that I've slept with have been potential husbands? How many of them would've been willing to go to Las Vegas with me for a gunshot wedding and a crazy week of drinking and gambling? Probably all of them. But they weren't that one minute man, that short ranga with amazing tattoos and that cheeky way he looks at me over his bloody expensive glasses. Fucking asshole. Why do I even like him? Whats the fucking point?

Why do I feel the need to even be in a relationship? Why is it so important? Is it because its the normal thing to do? Is it because I have daddy issues? Is it because I'm an only child? When I find out the answer I'll let you know.

Wishful thinking

Wishful thinking. Thinking of what I wish I had right now. A flat stomach, a diamond ring, more friends, a new face, a boyfriend, my own car, house, another dog. But its a matter of being thankful for what you actually have, a roof over your head, a car to drive, a loving mother and dog and 2 cats. Beautiful close friends that I can count on one hand, legs that go for miles, a beautiful ruby ring my Oma gave me, greeny/blue eyes that hopefully distract from my horrid skin problems.
A girl came into my work last night, no shoes, no money, needed some warm water and wanted to charge her phone. As soon as I let her she kept on asking for more and more things. Made me appreciate what I have already, I sometimes think I already have too much.